Music Video Meltdown, Volume II
Yeah, well, Madonna can do that, too.
CIARA FEAT. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
From “Fantasy Ride” (2009, La Face)
DIR: Diane Martel
Where’s the magic? While the ultra-limber Ciara squeals and writhes over the increasingly disgusting Justin Timberlake (Seriously, he and Spencer Pratt from “The Hills” should compare whose beard looks more flesh-colored.), I’m waiting for the wands and magicians deviously twirling their mustaches and bright bursts of candy-colored light. It certainly fulfills the “sex” part; there is, for example, a reel’s worth of licking that should give Jessica Biel all the more reason to send Timberlake to seventh heaven (Hey-yo!). “This is the part where we fall in love,” Ciara sings as she lies down on Timberlake’s prostrate body. Yeah . . . no. Girl is deluded. Then she transforms into Kelis at the end, ‘fro and all. So maybe there is magic in this video after all.
FINAL WORD: False Advertising
DIE.
THE BLACK EYED PEAS
From “The E.N.D.” (2009, interscope)
DIR: Mathew Cullen
“I’m so three-thousand-and-eight, / you so two-thousand-and-late!” The Black Eyed Peas. Always the wordsmiths. This time it’s about becoming technology, according to will.i.am, and if we don’t get it, we’re two-thousand-and-late. Except no one understands the Black Eyed Peas, so really, I’d be happy to believe that they are from the year 3008. Mrs. Josh Duhamel turns into She-Ra at some point. Then will.i.am throws up on his auto-tuner and mixing equipment to synthesize the worst 90s dance club anthem ever. Three-thousand-and-eight my ass; this is nineteen-ninety-eight. I think they even turn into variations of the Master Control Program from “Tron.” ‘Cause they’re becoming technology, y’all! Ha ha ha. I hope they die. Whoops.
FINAL WORD: HP Touchsmart Commercial
I might like you better if we never slept together, Snoop.
“SEXUAL ERUPTION” (aka “SENSUAL SEDUCTION”)
SNOOP DOGG
From “Ego Trippin’” (2008, Geffen)
Dir: Melina
Like I really need to explain this video. What’s it all about, Snoop?
FINAL WORD: “Orgasms”
Greatest. Article. Ever.
Now, what could have inspired it?!