“Hey,” one student said, clearing his throat loudly, “do you know that in a group there’s a collective silence like, once every seven minutes?”

“I think that’s just something people say to fill the space,” another quickly added, a look of desperation on her face as her forced laughter faded.

Much to everyone’s relief, the music started up again soon after.

To show approval during meetings, ASWC will begin knocking on tables instead of “making it rain” hundred dollar bills into a pit of fire

Champagne hot tub donated to local charity

Team-building trip to Atlantis probably canceled

Elliott Okantey to sell pet griffin, in exchange for smaller griffin

Pool full of sharks downgraded to pool full of piranhas

ASWC now to serve Franzia at meetings, instead of Montrachet 1978

1) They are NOT the most expensive team per athlete. The data that implied they were didn’t count coaches salaries.

2) They were never given a warning or a chance to try and save the school money – they had no idea.

Whatever, you cash-guzzling snow-fiends, we did some research. Here comes a blizzard of facts: COLD AND HARD!

HOW MUCH MONEY IS THE SKI TEAM HIDING FROM US?

Real Value of Ski Team:

$15 k for each of the four teams

Potential Value:

Value on eBay of Warren McDermott’s highly-oxygenated blood if sold at about 12 dollars per pint: $30,000
Nobody really knows how many pints are in the human body, but look at him. Dude has hella pints.

Money to be made by intentionally losing to the easily-bribed Vassar: $10,000

The value of friendship: $700

Retail value of Anti-Global-Warming-Machine that has thus far prevented global snow melt: $2,000

* When Snider planned a surprise candle-lit budget meeting, and the Ski Team got home late from skiing, AGAIN, it didn’t even ask why all the good silverware was out.

* Snider left out a copy of Cosmo in the ski team locker room with the page open to a quiz called “How to know if Your Man is Spending Too Much on Skiing to Reasonably Fit Into the Budget of a Small College”

* When the Ski Team left a generous tip for a waitress, Snider rolled his eyes, then vehemently denied that he was upset about anything, even though he didn’t say another word until they left Applebees.

* Snider dreamily mentioned how “impressed” he was with Bode Miller’s fiscal responsibility

* When Snider and the Ski Team went to see Iron Man, he stared at the team for, like, a full minute during the part where Tony Stark goes over budget

* When the Ski Team came home from shopping, Snider asked if HE could borrow money for ski poles for once, but then said, “Just kidding, just kidding,” and went back to reading The Lovely Bones.

* When Snider asked the ski team to try on a budget from a few years ago, the one he really used to like. When the ski team responded that it had gotten too big, Snyder raised his eyebrows and muttered something about how the ski team at his last school could probably still fit into that budget.

“I have no problem with people using my words as part of daily conversation. In fact, it’s sort of flattering,” said Vonnegut through a spirit medium. “But as a person who made my living through my creativity, I have to draw the line somewhere between imitation and exploitation. I used ‘So it goes’ one hundred sixteen times in that book, so I find it hard to imagine that quarterlife thought they could just slip this one by.”

A spokesperson for the student staff at quarterlife had a different view of the matter. “Honestly, I don’t mean to dance on a grave or anything, but it’s ridiculous to try to exercise copyright on vernacular. Besides, we don’t even have a budget besides what ASWC gives us, so I don’t know what sort of royalties he’s expecting to get.”

As the court date draws nearer, quarterlife employees seem content to wait and trust that things will work out in their favor. “So it goes,” said one, as an additional ghostly litigation materialized from the ether.